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Should Hockey Moms Drive an SUV or Minivan?

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Written by Emily Erson

Why are you even asking?

Hockey moms only have two real choices when it comes to a new car. SUV or minivan. Between the spouse, the kids, and your children’s friends combined with all the gear you need to carry there’s no other practical choice. A sedan from a car manufacturer who needed a legal team to be able to say “comfortably” seats six legally won’t cut it. You need lots of room, and there are only two types of vehicles that have it that aren’t a commercial grade cargo monstrosity.

The question is what to choose.

Note: A large cargo van is okay ONLY if a mural depicting your favorite NHL team hoisting the cup is painted on the side.

Each class of vehicles offers the needed room for cargo and passengers, and all the bells and whistles that will make driving to games and practices easier and more pleasant. In terms of sheer practicality, it’s a tie.

There are other factors at play here though, like what message are you sending to the hockey moms on the other team. And although no one will admit it to them, we still want the kids to think we’re still cool on some level.  All those things considered, and you’re left with only one choice. But let’s still make a comparison for the laughs.

The Minivan

Nothing says I’ve given up on all the things that once made me an exciting human being more than a minivan. It is the vehicle of suburban defeat. People with minivans may be well off and in a good place in life, but a significant part of their soul was crushed into fine powder getting there.

The minivan is practical, safe, and reliable, but bringing your kids to a hockey game in one is like bringing a tofu steak to a cookout. Minivans are a little safer, especially for small children. That said, if some jackwagon pulls out in front of you, you will totally ‘eff up their day up more in an SUV than you will in a minivan.

New or used, there are some excellent minivans to choose from, especially if you like being the victim – real or imagined. In fact, they’re perfect for that. Don’t have the fire in your blood to take your kid to every game or practice? All you have to say is that the streets are wet, or you saw a snowflake fluttering on the breeze.

 “Dangerous” road conditions like that are no place for even the most leather trimmed minivan. Sure, you can opt for all-wheel drive, but the roads still need to be nice and smooth. SUVs make roads somewhat optional.

A minivan isn’t without its strengths. No one is totally sure what they are though, aside from preventing teenage pregnancies. Minivans are more politically correct. Tree huggers won’t say as many mean things to someone in a minivan compared to an SUV owner even though they’re about the same when it comes to fuel economy.

You won’t get as much respect from other people either, but isn’t your friends and neighbors laughing at you behind your back worth avoiding a few harsh words from some hippie?

The SUV

Sport is in the name. Like an athlete vs. a couch potato, an SUV has more power and handles better than a minivan. It makes you a beast on the road. The only thing faster will be a muscle car or some other mid-life-crisis-mobile.

An SUV also sends a hard message to everyone. If a minivan tells the world, “I give up! ☹” The SUV screams, “I am willing to murder this planet to get where I need to go!” With an attitude like that, those minivan moms are going to worry if that attitude rubbed off on your kid what your kid will do with that attitude to their kid on the ice.

This attitude covers any of those other, less important sports like baseball or soccer, you take your kids too in the, so they don’t get too out of shape when it comes time to hit the ice again.

You Aren’t Playing Hockey All the Time

Hockey seasons, sadly, come and go. Family activities don’t. That same rugged statement an SUV makes to the minivan moms at hockey still works for other sports and activities. There is also a more practical side. Whatever you can do in a minivan, you can also do in an SUV. The reverse doesn’t hold true.

A hockey mom will still go to Disneyland or Sea World, but chances are they will want more exciting vacations and trips too. A minivan can’t get you into the backcountry at Yellowstone, or anywhere without a decent road.

SUVs can take your family to parts of the wilderness that few people ever get to see. Just remember that weird banjo music is a sign to head back to civilization.  Plus, you can tow the crap out of heavy things in an SUV. In a minivan, you just demolish the transmission.

Remember, your kids won’t be kids forever. They will eventually grow up and want to drive. I’m sure you have it all planned out where you will make them get jobs and earn their own car. And good for you.

When you wad that plan up and throw it in the trash, after having to drive them to said job four or five times a week, you can give them the old SUV. This gives parents a huge win.

No sane kid (or adult for that matter) wants a minivan. Not a single one. It’s a dork mobile. It might be a good idea to keep a minivan around as a punishment, like threaten to make your teen drive it on a date or to school if their grades slip.

Basically, choose an SUV.

Please feel free to let us know your thoughts about the SUV vs. the MiniVan in the comments? And if you want to keep talking hockey momming, join us in our group “Hockey Mom Hacks.” We’d love to hear from you.

About the author

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Emily Erson

I am a full-time teacher, mother, driver of children, cooker of dinner, washer of laundry, sayer of whatever is on my mind and hockey mom extraordinaire. In my free time --like that exists--I blog in order to vent the frustration that comes with raising 3 kids. My mantra, blogging and ranting are better than a drinking problem.