Wait, I can make a hockey mom New Year’s Resolution?
It’s the time of the year when we get on Facebook and roll our eyes over all the “New year. New Me,” New Year’s resolutions B.S. the people we went to high school and college with start posting.
I’m sure they’ll make them, but we all know they are just gearing up to break the same promises that they made to themselves last year. Sorry, girlfriend, stuffing yourself with organic, gluten-free Bonbons is not eating healthy.
This year, I decided that I would resolve to become a much better hockey mom! Hence, the hockey mom New Year’s Resolutions idea!
Those long, early morning drives to practice gave me lots of time to think. Some mornings more than others.
So, here you have it five hockey mom New Year’s Resolutions.
Hockey Mom New Year’s Resolution #1: Make a Few Different Playlists for the Drive, and Teach My Kid About Music that Doesn’t Suck
There are only so many times we can listen to the same 90’s music and not fight with my son. And, suffering through the playlist of a stunted 12-year-old boy makes me extremely uncomfortable. How do you censor music nowadays, anyway?
There is no way I can sit next to him in the car listening to the lyrics of today’s music without getting sick to my stomach. Hell, I love to swear, and I won’t even type some of those lines!
So, sorry son, this year you are getting a lesson in the classics! Together, we are going to explore the many genres of music that have come through the ages. By the end of this hockey season, you’ll be ready for “Name that Tune.” And, your mind will not be polluted with the garbage lyrics.
Hockey Mom New Year’s Resolution #2: Make Better Choices about Alcohol Consumption
It doesn’t matter what your poison is. You could be a beer, bourbon, or wine girl, or love whatever happens to be put in front of you. We have all had this moment of clarity where we put down the glass or bottle and think long and hard about what we are doing.
We ask ourselves, “Why are we drinking this, all alone, in the kitchen, at 11:45 on a Tuesday night?” Then,we refuse to admit the awful truth to ourselves because that would be acknowledging the kind of mistake no one wants to admit they made in life.
The mistake – drinking shitty booze because we wanted to save a couple of bucks.
Life is too short to skimp on alcohol—even if it means saving few bucks to throw at the hockey bill. Beer shouldn’t taste like horse piss. Wine shouldn’t taste like grape juice and gym socks. And bourbon shouldn’t taste like rotten apples and rubbing alcohol. We deserve better.
If you need to save a couple of bucks that bad, buy Malt-O-Meal cereal to refill the name brand boxes your kids insist on having. Get your husband to carpool more, or take the train. There are better ways to balance the family budget than buying cheap booze.
Hockey Mom New Year’s Resolution #3: Get to the Gym and Exercise
Some demented freaks of nature genuinely love to exercise. To them, hitting the gym is as much fun as curling up on the couch and binging a new season of our favorite show- during those rarest of rare times when no one bugs us. For the rest of us, it’s God’s punishment for being alive.
Still, there is no denying the benefits of regular exercise. So, resolve to hit the gym more often next year…starting sometime after March or April. Come on.
We want to actually work out, not stand around waiting to use a machine or bunched so close together in a yoga class that we spend half the session with our face in someone’s personal butt space. Gym memberships spike after New Year’s which makes them super crowded and even less fun to go to.
This gives you a couple of extra months to relax and enjoy yourselves before sculpting and hammering a new you. Never mind that voice in your head that tells you that walking around the neighborhood every day or doing aerobics and yoga in your home means you could start exercising before spring. Exercise your mind instead, and rationalize why that too is not a good idea.
Hockey Mom New Year’s Resolution #4: Develop Better Driving Habits
4:30 in the morning comes early. Way too early to make sure all the equipment is packed, and the kids are in the minivan all ready to go in any sensible manner that would give you enough time to make it to practice on schedule. And there is always that old retired codger who thinks taking ten minutes to order a sausage and biscuit in the drive-thru is normal.
So, you do what you need to. A few miles or more over the speed limit is a small ticket you can cry your way out of. And, 100 yards away from a light turning yellow is way too close not to blast through it.
Don’t even pretend that any of that is going to change. What you should resolve to do is if you are dead set on driving like a maniac is be better at it. Sign up for a tactical and evasive driving course. It’s fun and could help you make that practice on time.
At the very least, play your husband or kid’s copy of Grand Theft Auto V. It is a good driving simulator that allows you to go full speed and weave in and out of traffic with minimal risk of real harm.
Hockey Mom New Year’s Resolution #5: Be Nice to That One Mom
There is not a hockey mom alive who hasn’t had a run in with that one mom who rubs them the wrong way. It could be a teammate’s mom, a volunteer, or a mom from another team that makes you feel like someone is dragging nails on the chalkboard every time she opens her mouth.
Sometimes people do nothing wrong, but still, rub us the wrong way for some reason. Other times we find ourselves holding our tongue over some snide remark or comment that is either thoughtless or an intentional putdown.
We dream of the day that we put her in her place, right in front of everyone.
Maybe we should try not to think like that so much. No one is perfect, and we all have our flaws. That one mom has hers too. Maybe she is simply an unpleasant bitch. Or, maybe she can’t help her chronic resting bitch face.
…Just be Nice Already!
Then again, we don’t know what she may be dealing with away from the rink. The point is, she loves her kid and is dedicated enough to make the practices and games.
We may want to slap her, verbally or otherwise, but the result wouldn’t be worth it. If she is silently fighting a severe struggle in her life, she doesn’t need the additional shit – even if she is kind of a bitch about the way she is handling it.
If she is a hardcore bitch in her hearts of hearts, then taking her bait is precisely wants you to do.
People like that need an enemy more than we need coffee. Having an enemy feeds their evil little hearts. Don’t be that enemy. It will only lead to more aggravation, and who has time for that?
What’s your hockey mom New Year’s resolution? Please feel free to share in the comments below.
And, don’t forget to join us for hockey mom talk in my Facebook Group, Hockey Mom Hacks. We’d love to have you talk hockey with us.