Hockey season is coming up, ladies. That means it’s time to check your wardrobe to make sure you can dress the part of hockey mom.
We have an important job and a tough reputation to maintain–we have to make sure we look good doing it.
I thought the best way to put your attire to the test would be to start at the top of the clothing selection for the rink and work our way down–literally.
So, I want to review the many different lines of hats you will see at the rink this season. I’ve also gone ahead and listed the product descriptions for what I think are the best brands of hockey mom hats.
A traditional chauffeur cap is a perfect accessory for any hockey mom who must navigate her extra-large SUV over the river and through the woods while listening to the perfect playlist and dodging black ice. Keep in mind; it’s polite to tip your hat to others on the road–even if they are ignoring the road conditions and driving like idiots.
When the opportunity to go equipment “hunting” presents itself, we have just the hat for you. The Buffalo Plaid Hunting Cap made of 50% pure wool will certainly keep you warm as you dig through several people’s trunks looking through their spare equipment in the freezing cold searching for whatever piece of equipment your child forgot or lost.
High Road Taker Hat
Originally designed for babies to go to sleep, our team of engineers redesigned the “HUSH” hat to suit the needs of hockey moms. These noise deafening hats are perfect for drowning out that idiot parent in the stands who voluntarily assists the refs with every call. HUSH hats are the perfect hockey mom accessory to prevent yourself from responding to the asinine behavior of the other team’s fans.
When that jackwagon in the stands gets too loud for the HUSH hat to drown out, it’s time to switch gears and put on your battle hat. Designed to mirror the style of Roman gladiators, the battle hat is perfect for those times you feel the need to pop off to 50 shades of crazy in the stands. Crafted from 18-gauge steel and designed with precision, the battle hat will keep you safe against any level of stupid.
We all know the risks associated with allowing our kids to play this game. So, it’s wise to keep your nurse hat with you at all times. You never know when that kid on the other team will intentionally ram your Johnny into the boards. After all, your Johnny would never provoke such behavior, and accidents never happen when kids are flying down the ice. It’s always the other team’s fault.
Bell Hop Hat
Pulling up to the hotel doors with your SUV busting at the seams for a tournament is just another Friday for hockey moms. When it’s time to unload the crockpots, the equipment, the uniforms, the knee hockey nets, the game console, and your cooler, you need to put on your bell hop hat. Designed with red velvet and yellow trim to stay historically accurate, our bell hop hat will have you unloading that SUV like a pro.
Equipment Manager Hat
If you can’t afford a gas mask, this Thirty-Two Mute Facemask is a great alternative. Its clinch detailing custom fit is perfect for not only getting close to the bag but also for moving things around in it.
Keep in mind the Thirty-Two is our base model designed only for handling the bag. If you foresee yourself having to “dive” into the bag in, we do recommend purchasing the OTS Guarding Stealth Mask complete with an oxygen tank as an add on for ensuring your safety.
Hockey Mom Hat
If you don’t feel like switching hats every time your responsibilities change; we do offer a hat that encompasses all of these different roles. Keep in mind, when you put this comprehensive hat on, you cannot take your job lightly. Our exclusive “hockey mom” hat comes with an enormous commitment. For us to allow you to wear this coveted gear, you have to have an undying commitment to your kids, their team, and to the game. Please see the specifications below before you decide if you have what it takes.
- You cannot waiver from your commitment to getting your kids to the rink, to games, or to tournaments.
- You must help them with school work while they try to juggle late night practices before big tests, and you must surrender to the fact that they will frequently miss school on Fridays for tournaments.
- You need to commit to being broke for a large portion of your adult life.
- You should pledge to save your vacations days to attend tournaments.
- You will need to clean out a large area of your garage for equipment drying, and you need to come to terms with the likelihood of the chance of losing the contents of your stomach every time you enter your garage.
The above will only allow you to purchase the hat. If you wish to be permitted to wear the hat, there are several more requirements.
- You have to be careful not to put anyone’s children down because all the kids out there are busting their asses to be a part of something.
- You must be your child’s biggest fan no matter what happens on the ice.
- You have to be strong enough to pick them up if they don’t make the team they want to make and brave enough to encourage them to keep trying.
- You must be gentle with your words as not to discourage, but honest enough to motivate.
Think you can handle all of the above? Keep in mind; there are many more isolated and unique instances that will arise. Adapting and adjusting to how every game plays out will give your children memories that they will cherish and life skills that will make them strong men and women. If you can accept all of this, then you can proudly wear the sought-after label, hockey mom, on your hat.
Stop back next week, and I’ll go over the best scarfs for hockey moms. Until then, hope to see you at the rink.
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